


every night I'm dancing with your ghost.

by dblckparade



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Divorce, F/F, Implied Sexual Content, Miscarriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:53:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24857158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dblckparade/pseuds/dblckparade
Summary: Everyone knows it’s inevitable, after what happened.Mina puts the fountain pen down, a gift from Nayeon when Mina ranked first on her final semester and flips the envelope to read its contents.She drops the bomb in a few short syllables, brisk in an effort to minimize casualties.“I want a divorce.” Nayeon says quietly.
Relationships: Hirai Momo/Minatozaki Sana, Im Nayeon/Myoui Mina, Park Jisoo | Jihyo/Yoo Jeongyeon
Comments: 60
Kudos: 528





	every night I'm dancing with your ghost.

**Author's Note:**

> warning tags: brief mentions of miscarriage. if this upsets you, **please turn away now**. you have been warned.
> 
> this fic wouldn't be possible without the help of: [skyclectic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyclectic), [long_live](https://archiveofourown.org/users/long_live), [xylomylo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xylomylo), [likeuwuahh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/likeuwuahh/pseuds/likeuwuahh), [ultmyouimina](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultmyouimina/pseuds/ultmyouimina), [moonrise31](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonrise31/pseuds/moonrise31), [sindubu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sindubu/pseuds/sindubu), [naeildo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/naeildo), [dubfu](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dubfu/works) and our minayeon president [misayeon](https://twitter.com/misayeon) (for her clinical expertise and for always hearing me rant).
> 
> in small and big ways, you helped me made this fic a possibility and we wouldn't be here without it. pleasae give these authors a lot of love as well <3
> 
> note: **//** denotes beginning and end of a flashback.
> 
> p.s: redbubble (author of misana's the one who loves me fic), come back to ao3 pls.

_i stay up all night,  
_ _tell myself I'm alright.  
_ _baby, you're just harder to see than most.  
_ _i put the record on,  
_ _wait 'til I hear our song.  
_ _every night I'm dancing with your ghost.  
_ — dancing with your ghost, sasha sloan.

.

The sky is an obsidian color when Nayeon finally exits the building. Pulling her phone from her back pocket, she taps the screen to see the numbers **01:29** glaring back at her. She needs to change the phone’s wallpaper soon. 

It’s late but she knows no one's at home, like it has been for months. Nayeon turns the phone off and dumps it back into her bag, careful not to crumple the enveloped documents. 

The clicking of her high heels echo across the parking lot as she strides swiftly towards her luxurious car. The guard gives her a polite nod when she passes by and she replies with a curt smile and a wave back. She ignites the engine and plays the radio to accompany the quiet night, humming the familiar song under her breath. 

It takes 20 minutes for her to arrive at the apartment. She taps the code to the electronic lock and waits for the telltale _whizz_ and a _ding_ before the door unlocks itself. Years of rearranging her shoes when she comes home has become muscle memory to Nayeon by now, even in the dark, so she sits them neatly by its lonesome. She fumbles for the switch at the spacious entryway before blinding fluorescent lights invade her sight. 

And then, another habit. 

"Tadaima," she greets the empty apartment. 

The entryway has marble flooring that opens up to a large living area with a floor-to-ceiling skyline view of Seoul. An opulent but dusty fireplace that hasn’t been used in months is situated across the couch where Nayeon proceeds to place her bags and the keys into the bowl on the coffee table. 

She pitters to the kitchen to whip something for a late dinner. With how confidential and high-profile her current case is, Nayeon hasn't had time to eat anything fulfilling the whole day. She opens the fridge and almost groans at the lack of fresh ingredients. She forgot to get the groceries. 

Instead, Nayeon rummages inside the top cabinet and breathes a sigh of relief when she sees a box of leftover cereal. She pours those yellow star-shaped grains into a bowl before topping milk, and waits ten minutes for it to turn soggy before she spoons them into her mouth. 

Once she's done, Nayeon stands up and heads to the sink to rinse the bowl. She fiddles the ring with her thumb afterwards, noting how the edges of the diamond have dulled and the silver band marred from wear. 

She swallows down the observation bitterly.

.

Nayeon wakes up to the smell of coffee and scrambled eggs. It lures her from her sleep like a bait and into the kitchen.

The sight of her wife sitting in front of the aisle is jarring, as she blows down her cup of coffee. Her glasses were drooping from the bridge of her nose while she critically leaned over the medical reports strewn neatly.

“Eggs are still hot and I just brewed a fresh one for you.” Mina gestures to the plate in front of her, without looking up at Nayeon.

Nayeon jerks her head sharply in acknowledgement, feet padding softly to the chair in front of her. Lifting her fork, she digs into her breakfast. They share a space in painful silence, saved by the occasional clicking of silverware and rustling of turning pages. Nayeon thinks of the envelope stashed inside her office room and her hands itch. The unsaid words threaten to bubble up from Nayeon’s insides. She’s been waiting for the right moment to talk and now that Mina—

Nayeon bites her tongue at the sound of Mina’s pager vibrating madly on the counter. There’s a screeching sound of a chair moving before slim fingers pluck the device and silences it. Nayeon keeps her eyes firmly on her plate, her grip on the fork tight. From her peripheral vision, she sees her wife tidying up her research papers, slinging her stethoscope around her neck with one hand and another to pocket the pager. 

Mina hovers deliberately in front of Nayeon but the latter stares resolutely down. She does not want to make this easy on her.

“I’m— I’ll see you later, Nayeon.” Mina says uncertainly.

Before the footsteps can get further away, Nayeon drops the fork and pushes the plate away, turning around to call her wife.

“Mina?”

Her wife stops, turning around in anticipation.

“When you get back,” Nayeon pauses, licking her chapped lips anxiously, “can we talk?”

They stare at each other for the longest time before Mina breaks their gaze away and acquiesces with a resigned nod.

The door closes with a deafening click and Nayeon is once again alone in the apartment.

.

Her best friend answers the phone on the second ring. 

"It's the weekend, Nayeon unnie, so it better not be about work," Jihyo warns. 

Nayeon finds it ironic that her workaholic best friend is telling _her_ not to talk about work when most of the time, work is all there is in Jihyo's mind. That, and her wife Jeongyeon. 

"I'm bored and have been staring at the wall for the past four hours,” she drags the sentence lazily. “Can I come over to your place?" 

Jihyo sighs but agrees easily. "Jeongyeon is out right now but she'll be back before you do. Dinner’s almost ready. You know the way in. I’ll see you later, unnie.”

Jeongyeon and Jihyo’s apartment is only ten minutes away and the door is already unlocked. Nayeon lets herself in, pushing the door with one shoulder, two hands holding a bottle of expensive champagne and her purse.

Jeongyeon is already halfway done plating the food when she arrives. Nayeon sets the champagne on the dining table and squeezes her best friend in a half hug, before making a beeline to help her other best friend in the kitchen.

The dinner is a light affair and Nayeon finds herself relaxing as she basks in the presence of her two most precious people. Jeongyeon and her bicker as usual when they’re together, exchanging childish insults and barbed words, but Jihyo always makes sure to interfere before the fight could get physical. 

They move things to the living room after dinner, sprawling next to each other on the couch with glasses of champagne. Her head on Jeongyeon’s shoulder and Jihyo’s hands caressing her thighs are reassuring. Nayeon can’t remember the last time she felt this comforted. 

The cream-colored business card in her hand feels heavy. She twirls it around absentmindedly, deep in thought.

“Are you sure about this, unnie?” Jihyo questions, careful and weighty. 

“You can think about it more, you know. There’s no rush with these kinds of things,” Jeongyeon adds.

Jihyo squeezes her hand holding the card. “Once you do it, there’s no going back, unnie. You need to be sure about this.”

It seems that her two friends are trying to dissuade her from her decision but Nayeon has thought about this for the longest time. She has thought about it when she’s alone in her showers, when she’s lying on her bed to welcome another sleepless night and even during trials when she’s extremely distracted. She has listed down the pros and cons on a piece of paper and yet the result is still the same.

Her grief far outweighs her rationality.

“It’s true that there’s no going back,” Nayeon murmurs into the rim of her wine glass. “But then again, there’s nothing to look forward to, either.”

.

The next time Nayeon sees Mina, she is ready. She turns to Jeongyeon, giving her a signal with a jerk of her head and the other woman is dutiful as she approaches a blissfully ignorant Mina. 

Her wife’s hand stills as Jeongyeon slides the envelope in front of her, as per court orders. Nayeon can see her best friend mouthing the words _i'm sorry_ to the doctor before scurrying away, squeezing Nayeon's arm gently on her way out to give them privacy and a promise to _call her later_. 

But everyone knows it’s inevitable, after what happened.

Mina puts the fountain pen down, a gift from Nayeon when Mina ranked first on her final semester and flips the envelope to read its contents.

She drops the bomb in a few short syllables, brisk in an effort to minimize casualties. 

“I want a divorce.” Nayeon says quietly.

Before, Nayeon would have engulfed her wife in the tightest hug, as if she could mould her own body as an armour, would have peppered kisses all over her face for every tear that spilled from her eyes and whispered fierce declarations of love into her ear to soothe her distress. 

But now, as she watches Mina's fingers curl into a trembling fist, Nayeon doesn't do any of those. 

Nayeon is indifferent and she knows that Mina is exhausted as well. It’s a losing battle.

Mina doesn't move for the longest time as she stares at the papers, almost like a statue. And then suddenly, she picks up the fountain pen. The imprint is firm and her hand is steady as she signs her name in a cursive writing, the loop of the _y_ deep as always. 

Nayeon wants to say something— an _apology_ for breaking their wedding vows, a _thank you_ for all the memories nurtured with love and poisoned with pain, but no words escape her lips. There’s nothing left to say.

Eight years of marriage and eleven years of being together ends, just like that. 

Her heart thuds hollowly in her chest when she realizes that Mina didn't even put up a fight. 

. 

Mina is still sitting at the same place Nayeon left her when she went out to submit their divorce papers.

She stills by the door, debating whether she should escape while she still can to avoid the impending conversation or face her demons head on. The sight of Mina’s hunched shoulders and head buried in her hands makes her look smaller than usual and it pulls at Nayeon’s heartstrings. She makes her decision and closes the door behind her with a soft thud.

Her wife’s (ex-wife?) expression is pinched in pain, fingers pressed at her forehead. The beginning of a migraine. 

“Let’s get you to bed.” Nayeon coaxes Mina gently. “Come on, your migraine is going to get worse if you stay like this.”

Nayeon slings one of Mina’s arms over her shoulders and gingerly leads them to their bedroom. She keeps a careful hold on her waist and maintains a slow pace so as not to jolt the woman too much. When Nayeon is sure that Mina is securely seated on the bed and not going to vomit all over the floor, she hastily turns on the air-conditioner and closes the curtains in the room. She drops to her knees by their nightstand, searching for a specific white bottle before rushing for a glass of water.

She places the small pink triangular pill into one of Mina’s palms and the other to hold the glass. The other woman takes them gratefully, swallowing the pill with a mouthful of water.

Nayeon urges her to lie on the bed, patting the pillow and pulling the duvet over Mina’s shoulder. She entangles her fingers through Mina’s wispy hair in hopes of lulling her to sleep. It will take a while before the medicine kicks in.

"Will you wait for me until I fall asleep?" Mina slurs, half-delirious and in pain as she clutches Nayeon’s shirt. _Will you be there when I wake up?_

A lifetime ago, when they were younger and hearts overspilled with love and happiness, back when her heart wasn't battered by the grief and the waiting, Nayeon's answer would've been swift and instinctive, tone heavy with reverence as she replied to Mina with a _where would I go?_

But they're not those people anymore. And Nayeon's place isn't by Mina's side. 

The grip on her shirt slackens and Mina falls asleep before Nayeon can answer, their last memory together slipping through her fingers like sand. She considers it a mercy.

Nayeon stares at her face for the longest time, tries her hardest to hold it back until her eyes water from the burn. _I might not see this face again_ , she thinks. There is a rawness in her now as something sets into her flesh, like her heart has been cleaved in two.

She seals a final kiss over the woman’s forehead and hopes Mina can find it in herself to forgive her one day.

. 

Mina is still sleeping the pain away even after the sun sinks down beneath the horizon so Nayeon opts to explore their apartment instead.

She traces her fingertips on every surface of their apartment and lets the memories bathe her; the dent on the hallway wall from where they first moved in and had jostled their brand new vanity too hard, the shoe racks Mina had slouched over and patiently spent a thousand times rearranging Nayeon’s shoes when she was too tired, the slightly sooted cabinet drawer when Nayeon had accidentally ruined their dinner in an attempt to surprise Mina, the gaming consoles sitting neatly beside their 75-inch TV screen that Mina had burned her two months salary on and the empty room at the end where their first seed of hope had grown and later, died.

Each and every corner of the apartment is filled with little stories and anecdotes that only the two of them remember and will carry for the rest of their lives.

Nayeon’s not sure she’s strong enough for that anymore.

.

“Ms. Im, have you brought everything?”

Nayeon has eleven large boxes sitting in front of her, one for each year they were together. It took her weeks after the long and arduous process of the divorce before she could gain the courage to sift through all of the items that remind her of Mina.

“Yes, Dr. Kim.” she replies, eyeing the two last boxes distractedly. They were harder for her to work through than the first nine boxes, having to call up Jeongyeon to hold her shaking hands while Jihyo handled everything. “These are everything.”

Dr. Kim claps his hands together. “Alright then. We’ve got a long day ahead of us.”

**//**

Nayeon remembers vividly the first time she met Mina. It’s ingrained in her brain, like the law books she’s required to memorize. She remembers the molten chocolate of her irises as the sunlight hits just right behind her glasses, the tilt of her voice as she asked Nayeon a question and the blue floral dress she wore that ended just above her knees and complemented her fair skin.

“Excuse me,” came a shy voice behind her back and a polite tap on her shoulder. “May I know if you still have Harry Potter’s Hogwarts Castle set? I tried to search everywhere and I couldn’t find it.”

Nayeon almost stumbled in her steps the moment she saw how utterly and devastatingly beautiful Mina had been from the corner of her eyes. Her heart thundered like war drums and her tongue felt heavy and leaden as she stuttered out for Mina to show her some pictures since Nayeon was a new part-timer and still unfamiliar with the placement of most items there. 

The smell of her perfume was intoxicating— a perfect mixture of jasmine, honeysuckle and sandalwood that made Nayeon dizzy when Mina leaned closer to show her the pictures of the set on her phone.

Mina was dejected when Nayeon told her the set had been out of stock and would take a few weeks for the new ones to be delivered. There was an ache beneath Nayeon’s ribs at that look that had prompted her to ask for Mina’s number so she could call her when it arrived.

It was not love at first sight, not quite. But as she watched the other girl leaving the store with a small wave to Nayeon and long luscious hair that tumbled like waterfalls with every elegant step, she didn’t think it would take much for her to fall.

.

Mina visited her every Saturday at 2PM on the dot. The Lego set still hadn’t arrived so Mina lingered around for 30 to 45 minutes each visit, just wandered around the store and bought a few Lego pieces.

“I have a small golden dachshund dog at my apartment and he has a habit of playing with the pieces and swallowing them,” Mina explained with her head ducked down to hide behind her curtained hair. There were no glasses this time.

Nayeon’s hand itched to tuck it behind her ear. She had never seen someone with so many moles dotted on their face before. Nayeon was honestly fascinated. With every encounter they had, she discovered more moles. It was like an inside game for her and Nayeon wondered how long it would take for her to count all the moles the girl had.

.

Nayeon learned more about the girl over the following weeks. She was twenty years old, two years younger than Nayeon. Born and raised in Japan before moving to Seoul to attend the same university Nayeon was. In her first year of medicine. Her dog’s name was Ray.

Nayeon knew that the younger girl had a crush on her. She wasn't blind and she had admirers before. And it was obvious how inexperienced the girl was when it came to courting, the way Mina thought Nayeon didn’t notice how she paced back and forth across the street before she made up her mind and walked resolutely into the store, how she would ask about Nayeon’s day and what time her shift ended. But Mina never asked the golden question and Nayeon had never been the best when it comes to being patient.

So, on her fifth visit and before Mina could leave after buying yet another Lego piece, Nayeon did it first.

She tugged the sleeve of Mina’s long blouse and in the gentlest tone she could muster, as if she was trying to coax a shy tortoise out of its shell, said _would you like to go out for a cup of coffee with me, Mina-ssi?_

.

After her shift ended, Nayeon led Mina to her favourite cafe that she swore served the best cakes she ever tasted. They ambled there together in silence, hands brushing against each other’s as they enjoyed the late evening breeze and the warm sunlight on their skins.

She grimaced when she saw how busy the cafe was the moment they opened the door. The place was bustling with university students and couples hogging the tables. Even the bar stools were all occupied. Nayeon bit her lower lip in contemplation when she saw how Mina’s jaw tightened, almost as if she was trying not to let her disappointment show.

She nudged the other girl gently to get her attention. “Do you mind if we take our drinks to go instead? We can hang out at the park since the weather’s nice.”

Mina gave an appreciative half-smile and nodded her assent. 

They ordered their drinks with a slice of lemon meringue and white chocolate macadamia cake. When Mina outstretched her hand to pay for her drink, Nayeon immediately curled her fingers around the other girl's wrist and lightly pulled it back. She felt how Mina's pulse fluttered madly underneath her thumb. 

"It's on me this time," she offered. The implication of a second date in the future was not lost on Mina, whose cheeks became kissed pink like blooming carnations against her pale skin. Mina shuffled her feet demurely and whispered a soft _thank you_ in return. 

They found an empty bench near the lake to rest, legs tucked underneath them as they sat facing each other with the box containing the slices of cake in between them. Mina hummed in delight at the first taste of the lemon meringue on her tongue, eyes sealed shut in contentment.

Nayeon was already staring at her when Mina opened her eyes, face smug like the cat who caught the canary. “I told you they serve the best cakes,” she told her matter-of-factly, pointing her fork at Mina in accusation, as if Mina didn’t trust her. Mina only giggled in reply.

Then she turned confused when she saw Nayeon removing the white chocolate cake and macadamia nuts apart. “Why would you order a macadamia cake if you hate nuts?”

“When I was younger, my baby sister and I used to share slices of cakes because she couldn’t finish it off. White chocolate macadamia is her favourite,” Nayeon explained wistfully. “My sister is such a brat though.”

Nayeon’s playful personality slowly eased Mina’s tension and they spent the rest of their date trading stories and playing twenty questions to get to know each other better. 

Nayeon folded her arms onto the back of the bench, cheek pressed against it as she looked up at Mina with interest. 

"Where were you born?" 

"Kobe, Kansai region. What about you?" 

"Sangil-dong. It's a little further from Seoul, about an hour away. Last one. Why do you want to become a doctor?” Nayeon questioned.

“My dad is a doctor.”

“So, your parents encouraged you? Continuing the legacy and whatnot?”

Mina tapped her fork to her lips as she pondered the question. _She has a mole on her upper lip_ , Nayeon noticed. _That’s four so far._

“Not exactly? Ever since I was a kid, my dad let me wander around the hospital since I am the Chief’s daughter but he never puts any pressure or expectations on me. I guess,” she paused, looking for the right words, “I just want to? It feels good when you have the advantage to help people and you channel it to save lives.”

“Myoui Mina-ssi,” Nayeon teased dramatically with a hand over her chest, “aren’t you a woman after my heart.”

There it was again, a blush that spread prettily from Mina’s neck to her face before it ended at the tips of her ears. Nayeon found herself absolutely elated at the effect she had over the other girl.

.

They exchanged phone numbers afterwards. Nayeon was surprised when Mina ended up texting her first. There were certain periods of the day where Mina would not reply and those were the times Nayeon assumed she was in class but whenever Mina _was_ available, her responses were rapid and attentive.

Mina asked a lot of questions. About her hometown, her parents, her little sister whom she missed dearly and even about her childhood friends, Jeongyeon and Jihyo, who came to follow Nayeon after graduation. Nayeon did the same thing and more, in a different way. She reminded Mina not to skip meals and coaxed her to sleep when Mina got tired of studying anatomy and pulling all-nighters but wouldn’t leave the phone away just to talk to her. Mina didn’t complain but Nayeon had an inkling that the girl was terribly homesick and missing her parents and the care they had always showered her with. Nayeon knew she was a poor substitute but she wanted to _try_.

 _Mina [11.14PM]  
_ _I made a friend today  
_ _Well, two friends  
_ _Though they move like they have one body_

 _Nayeon [11.23PM]  
_ _wdym 1 body?  
_ _w r their names?_

 _Mina [11.24PM]  
_ _Like they’re a couple attached to the hips  
_ _Minatozaki Sana and Hirai Momo_

 _Nayeon [11.28PM]  
_ _both jpnese?  
_ _u did well, mina! proud of u  
_ _r they nice?  
_ _btw u had dinner yet?_

 _Mina [11.30PM]  
_ _Yes, I really like them  
_ _They’re so nice and kind  
_ _Not yet, I want to finish this chapter first before I eat dinner_

 _Nayeon [11.36PM]  
_ _not talking 2 u til u eat_

 _Mina [11.36PM]  
_ _Will you wait for me until I'm done?_

 _Nayeon [11.37PM]  
_ _w would i go? :)  
_ _no doesnt exist in my vocabulary since i met u  
_ _ill wait! want 2 hear all bout ur day_

It went on like that for a few weeks before Myoui Mina did something totally unexpected of her. 

_Mina [5.54PM]  
_ _Can it be my turn to ask you out on a date?_

.

Nayeon gave the other girl as much control as possible for their second date. Mina was inexperienced but she wanted to _learn_ for Nayeon’s sake, quite eagerly in her opinion and it was such an endearing trait that Nayeon knew her heart was already halfway across the line.

They took the subway to go to a dog cafe a little further from the city centre. The crowds were sparse but the two still ended up being pressed close to each other by the door. Halfway through the ride, Mina’s pinky had tugged hers before fully lacing their fingers together and brazenly stuffing them into her jacket pocket, all while looking nonchalantly straight ahead in front of them. It had happened so instinctively for Nayeon, the way her own fingers had loosened to accommodate Mina’s when in actuality, it was the first time they initiated such intimate contact. There was no blush adoring Mina’s cheeks this time.

They ended up sprawling on the floor instead of eating, their jackets folded on their chairs. A shiba dog had approached them first, muzzle sniffing Nayeon’s hands for hidden treats. Mina had gasped beside her, squealing about how _he looks just like Satang!_ with her soft voice. And then a small pomeranian puppy that reminded her of her own dog came barreling towards them, and then a Welsh Corgi, a beagle and before they knew it, they were swarmed with all types of dogs.

Mina sighed as she fed a golden retriever puppy some treats. “I miss my dog Ray.” she announced wistfully. “I haven’t seen him in months since I left Japan.”

Nayeon frowned, recalling their earlier conversations. “But I thought he stayed at your apartment?”

Mina blinked, stopped petting the puppies before horror dawned on her. “I— My dog—” she became flustered, scrambling for excuses.

She let out a loud undignified cackle at the look of Mina’s face. Her face had flushed red and Nayeon was satisfied to know she hadn’t really lost her touch. She sidled up near the other girl and brushed her lips across Mina’s skin, a fleeting and soft, barely there kiss on her left cheek to calm her down.

When Mina sent her a dopey gummy smile with a glimpse of silver tooth peeking out, a smile that had seemed so genuinely happy and sweet with just the right amount of shyness behind it, Nayeon found indescribable warmth burst through her body.

At that moment, Nayeon knew her heart had crossed the line way beyond the point of return.

.

Their conversations and meetups dwindled as the national bar examination neared. She had quit her part time job at the store. The third year of law school was always the most stressful. Nayeon spent most of her days locked inside her room, memorizing and burning the texts behind her eyelids until she could still see it in her sleep. 

Her moods also worsened. The sight of Nayeon alone was enough to send Jeongyeon scurrying to her own room, and Jihyo watched her with narrowed eyes from their living room couch as if she was a ticking time bomb. 

The doorbell ringing jolted her awake from her nap and she hissed when her knee bumped the desk. Her neck ached from being in a slumped position for too long, an indication that Nayeon had taken this nap and turned it into a sleep instead. She stretched her limbs and cracked her knuckles, relishing at the popping sound it made. 

With mussed up hair and face wrinkled with sleep, Nayeon padded her way to the door, not bothering to check through the hole. It was probably Jeongyeon again, who always forgot her keys to their shared apartment. 

Except it wasn't Jeongyeon when she opened the door.

"Mina?" 

Her heart ricocheted at Mina's blinding grin. "Hello, Nayeon. I passed by your favorite café on the way to my class so I thought you might like some desserts. I got your address from Jihyo-ssi," she said shyly, dangling the familiar plastic bag in front of her as an offering. 

Nayeon tugged at the girl's sleeve on one hand, the other taking the desserts from her. 

"Did you message me earlier? I'm sorry if you did, I fell asleep."

Mina shook her head. "It's fine. I knew you'd be asleep. I hope I didn't intrude on you. I didn't exactly," she pulled at a loose string of her shirt as her voice lowered in embarrassment, "asked for your permission before coming here. That was very forward of me. I'm sorry if it made you uncomfortable."

Nayeon's left hand loosened over her sleeve and dropped to squeeze her hand in reassurance, noting how clammy it was. "I like forward. Thank you for the desserts. I have been craving it for a while now but didn't get the chance to drop by the café. Did you get my favorites?" 

"Lemon meringue and white chocolate macadamia each, just like last time," Mina promised. 

They fed each other small forkful portions of the cakes over the kitchen counter, giggling at each other when Nayeon accidentally smeared whipped cream over Mina's nose. Nayeon wiped it away with a thumb before her tongue licked the cream off. She was internally smug at the way Mina's eyes turned shocked before it darkened slightly. 

Nayeon dragged Mina to her bedroom afterwards, feeling the telltale sleepiness from the desserts. 

"Do you want me to go?" Mina fretted over the heavy lump of Nayeon’s form, knees at the edge of her bed. "I don't want to disturb your sleep."

"You don't have any plans after this right?" When Mina said _no_ , she whined and made grabby hands at her. "Then accompany me to sleep, please." The girl complied and crawled towards where Nayeon was, awkward sharp elbows accidentally prodding Nayeon’s ribs due to the narrow space of her bed.

The familiar scent of Mina’s perfume was heady and they lay there cuddling with the younger’s arm wrapped around her hip in a cocoon of safety. Her radiating warmth soothed the frayed edges of Nayeon’s stress, slowly turning her pliant. Mina looked on with a fond smile, inches away from her own, eyes lustered with happiness and curtained by lush, ebony lashes that caressed her cheekbones. The sun's golden hues on her lashes casted pale silks on her skin and set gold shards scattering on her bedroom floor.

 _Another mole by her jaw. That’s five now._ Nayeon ghosted her thumb under her sharp alluring jaw, sinking into it as she leaned closer to the other girl. 

“I’m going to kiss you now. Is that alright?” she breathed over Mina’s face, leaning over the other girl when she gave an imperceptible nod.

The tentative touch of Mina’s lips against hers sent explosive starbursts behind her eyelids. Her world fell away as all thoughts were obliterated from her mind and planets bent under the weight of their first kiss. The kiss got heavier and Nayeon pressed her body harder to straddle the other girl, hooking a hand in the belt loop of Mina’s jeans to steady herself.

When Mina’s tongue gave tiny kitten licks on her bottom lip, Nayeon surrendered the reins to the younger girl. She obediently opened her mouth, the taste of lemon and coffee immediately invading her senses. One kiss turned two turned to five before Nayeon gave up counting, Mina’s mouth raining pecks all over her face like fallen meteors. Elegant hands creeped under Mina’s blouse, long fingers splaying over her abdomen and nails slightly scratching over the edge of her bra. Mina’s involuntary moan tumbling from her mouth was enough to have Nayeon tremble with need, jolting her hips over the other girl’s body.

They leaned away after a while, lungs filled with liquid fire. Mina’s pupils were fully blown with arousal, cheeks ruddy and lips entirely swollen and pink. 

“Myoui Mina,” Nayeon began, voice rough and breathy from their kisses, “will you be my girlfriend?”

Mina sent her a scorching kiss instead in lieu of an answer.

. 

Mina became a regular after that. She would finish her classes and walk straight to visit Nayeon’s shared apartment despite it being further than her dorm. And before she knew it, six months had passed by and Mina had slowly taken up residence everywhere. Her purple pyjamas in Nayeon’s empty drawer, her toothbrush in the bathroom, a penguin shaped mug with a bowtie Nayeon had bought while she was out at _Garosu-gil_ with Jihyo in the kitchen and the Lego sets neatly placed in the living room.

Jeongyeon had taken an immediate liking towards the younger girl, which gave her immense relief. The blonde haired girl had always been a little more protective of Nayeon. While Jihyo was naturally friendly and was previously acquaintanced with Mina due to their same age, Jeongyeon was shy and took a while to warm up to people. Nayeon wanted so badly for Jeongyeon to approve of Mina as her girlfriend.

She should’ve known her worries were unfounded. Mina was polite and kind, soft-spoken and funny without even trying to be. Nayeon never thought her heart would be so full with just the sight of Mina and her best friend huddling in front of the coffee table as they quietly assembled Lego sets together, with Jihyo’s head propped up in her lap while they watched the recent episode of their favourite drama. All her favourite people in one room.

Today Nayeon had the apartment to herself. Jihyo had choir practice and Jeongyeon was out with her classmates. Mina and her were supposed to watch the new Marvel movie the younger girl had been gushing about. She spent the first fifteen minutes sprawled onto the couch, flicking the channels randomly in search of something interesting.

Nayeon leaned up against the back of the couch when the doorbell rang before the door opened, watched as Mina murmured a quiet _tadaima_ the moment she entered and she arranged Nayeon’s and her own shoes neatly.

She had heard of the word before. Lately, Mina had been throwing the foreign word carelessly every time she entered the apartment, almost as if it was spoken unconsciously. She had been intending to ask about the meaning of the word because Nayeon was sure that it wasn’t Korean or English. So it had to be a Japanese word.

Mina giggled when she saw Nayeon waiting in anticipation with tilted head and eyes closed, before she leaned down to press a wet kiss to the apple of her left cheek. Nayeon nodded in satisfaction. Mina dropped her bag next to the coffee table.

“You big baby.” Her girlfriend pinched her arm, sinking towards the couch beside her.

Nayeon circled her arms around her waist before propping her chin onto Mina’s shoulder, ignoring Mina’s complaint about how sweaty she was from the walk. “How was class?” 

“Tiring,” she yawned, leaning her weight against Nayeon. “My brain is so heavy right now from anatomy.”

They sat there, basking in the warmth of each other before Nayeon remembered her earlier observation. She nudged the girl in her embrace. “What does tae-dae-ma mean? Is it Japanese?”

Nayeon frowned when Mina visibly tensed at the question. She loosened her arms, worried that she had offended the girl. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to answer that. I assumed—”

“No, no. It’s fine,” Mina shushed her girlfriend, pulling her arms back around her waist. She ran a thumb over her forearm in a soothing manner. “You didn’t offend me. I was just surprised you heard that.”

“You’ve been saying it a lot lately, every time you enter the apartment,” Nayeon relayed her observation.

Mina hummed, deep in thought. “You were right. It is Japanese,” she confessed.

“What does it mean?”

Mina bit her lips, debating on whether she should tell Nayeon or not. “It is a shortened version of _tadaima kaerimashita_ ,” she began reluctantly. "It basically means _i’m home_ in Japanese.” her girlfriend explained shyly, ducking her head to avoid Nayeon’s intense gaze from her side. “We say it when we’re returning home to announce our arrival, by the door.”

“ _Oh,_ ” Nayeon said dumbly.

Mina wringed her hands nervously at Nayeon’s short reply. “It’s weird, isn’t it? Since I don’t live here and all. Did I make you uncomfortable?”

Nayeon shook her head vehemently. “I’m glad you think of this apartment as home,” she smiled. “Teach me some Japanese words.”

The other girl blinked at that. “Why?”

“Well, it’s your native language, isn’t it? It’s your culture and a part of you. Of course, I want to know more. I’m not very good at learning new languages, but you can teach me the basic phrases, right?”

Nayeon knew she had made the right decision when her girlfriend had turned around to look at her with a gummy smile and brown eyes glimmering with appreciation and something deeper lurking below the surface that Nayeon wasn't ready to divulge yet.

. 

Mina’s shoulders were pulled taut, like a cornered animal and a palpable anxiousness feebly masked by its defenses against a prey. Her hands were clenched in tiny fists at her sides and Nayeon was smothered by her own knee-jerk instinct to wrap them in her own, having first hand knowledge of how much smaller they were. It raised a sheer protectiveness inside her she didn’t know she was capable of. 

Quiet as a ghost, Nayeon followed the girl’s steps, maintaining a respectable distance so she could monitor the younger girl’s side profile, sharp eyes never leaving her as they weaved through the pedestrian crowds. With every block they passed through, Mina slowly unwinded little by little until the creases of her face smoothed out. 

Nayeon placed a calculative palm to Mina’s back, discreetly mooring her back to reality.

“Are you alright now?”

“I didn’t want you to see me like that,” Mina admitted, sparing her a quick glance before she looked down in shame to hide red-rimmed eyes behind her tresses. Long fingers circled her elbow and Nayeon easily maneuvered them to a less crowded alley, sidestepping puddles of dirty water and water-stained crates stacked disorderly.

“Do you mean your panic attack?” she clarified with the younger girl gently. “Why didn’t you tell me about it?”

Mina’s entire face scrunched up, blinking back tears as if she was about to cry again and this time, Nayeon was quick to envelop her in a loose embrace, Mina’s wet cheeks rubbing against the soft fabric of Nayeon’s blouse.

She rocked their frames on the balls of her feet, dropping well placed praises and comforting words to the other girl until she finally settled down again.

“I was afraid you might think I’m weird.”

The words were hushed, a sacred confession offered to Nayeon’s heart, where Mina’s lips were pressed at.

Nayeon willed herself to breathe evenly and pushed down the wave of incredulity and rage. “Listen carefully, Mina,” she insisted earnestly, mouth hovering over the shell of her ear, “Nothing you do will make me consider you weird. In fact, I think I might be in love with you, now even more, after that.”

Mina almost dislocated her jaw as she whirled her head up with brimming eyes, if Nayeon hadn’t anticipated the earlier move. “What? You— do you mean that?” Mina breathed unsurely.

When Nayeon first met Mina, she was intrigued by the quiet mystery that bathed Mina. As their relationship strengthened over the years, Nayeon got the privilege of peeling the layers of skin that made up the intrinsic nature of her girlfriend carefully in her delicate hands. And with every layer that Nayeon was presented, she fell deeper.

“How could I not,” she released an appreciative sigh, fingertips reaching out to skim along Mina’s jawline and eyes glossy with tenderness, “when you’re kind and so easy to love, despite having to carry a burden like that.”

.

Nayeon sat patiently on the scuffled plastic chair at a food truck nearby the hospital where Mina was doing her residency. This was the third time they had to reschedule their dates.

She stood up to wave Mina over the moment she saw her at the hospital's entrance. The doctor rushed towards her with light steps and dropped a wet kiss to her left cheek. “Sorry I was late.”

"It’s fine. How long do you have?" Nayeon asked. 

"40 minutes break."

She looked at her watch. "I have to drop documents for a client at three so we only have 30 minutes at best. Let's order."

Mina lowered her gaze, playing with the cuff of her sleeve in distress. “I’m sorry our date is always at some shabby food truck, instead of a cute cafe or some fancy restaurant. You deserve better than this.”

Nayeon tugged the hand from her sleeve so she could lace their fingers together and held it close to her own cheek. “This is fine,” she reassured the younger girl. “As long as we’re together, it’s fine.”

Mina’s eyes softened, sweeping a thumb over her cheek gratefully.

“How has work been so far?”

“Residency is really hard.” Mina sighed. “You’re still learning except you get paid for it. But you’re also not allowed to mess up or you’ll end up murdering a patient.”

Nayeon’s brows wrinkled in concern. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Her girlfriend opened her mouth as if she was about to speak, before changing her mind with a shake of her head.

“It’s too complicated. But I think the working hours will get even worse when I subspecialize into surgery later.”

Their food and drinks arrived and the couple steered the conversation into something mundane. Mina had an indulgent smile on her face as Nayeon complained to her about how she caught Jihyo and Jeongyeon making out in the former’s office this morning when the latter dropped by for a visit.

Thirty minutes ended too soon for both of them. “We have to go,” Nayeon announced to her girlfriend with a heavy heart.

Mina regretfully dragged her eyes to the hospital’s entrance. Nayeon noticed the movement and squeezed her hand. “It’s fine, we’ll meet again soon.”

Mina turned and eyed the shot glass in Nayeon’s hold envily. “I wish I could have a drop of alcohol right now.”

“Is that allowed? Don’t you have rounds afterwards?” she questioned worryingly.

She pinched her nose. “You’re right. That’s unethical, what was I thinking.” Her girlfriend stood up on her feet and leaned towards her, brushing a barely there kiss on her forehead. “Love you. Thank you for waiting.”

Nayeon beamed back, pleased at the continuous attention she had been receiving. It seemed that Mina had missed her too much until it had bled into physical gestures.

“I’ll always wait for you,” Nayeon promised her.

.

It was nearly 10PM when Nayeon got home to their dingy apartment, after a particularly difficult day of handling an extremely fussy and borderline neurotic client. She came home almost at the same time Mina did, who was in the midst of waiting for the elevator. 

They were both too tired to order delivery so they opted for some instant noodles. Nayeon shed her clothes sluggishly to their bedroom floor until she was stripped to her undergarments, making a beeline towards the bathroom to prepare a warm bath for her girlfriend. She plugged the bathtub, turning the tap on and feeling the temperature with her hand. Once satisfied, she left it to fill and padded to the drawers. She hummed in contemplation as she looked at the arrays of bath bombs. 

"Mina, do you prefer bergamot or lavender?" she yelled over the sound of running water. 

She heard the distant rustle of Nayeon's clothes dropping into their laundry basket before her girlfriend's sleepy face popped up. "You didn't have to, Nayeon. I know you're just as tired as I am. We could just take a hot shower." 

Nayeon made a noise of protest, clicking her tongue in disapproval. Mina had been losing sleep lately, with her residency being too stressful and anxiety-inducing that the woman often ended up tossing and turning until she drifted off into a three to four hours of restless sleep before she had to get up again. And with how hectic being a junior associate at the law firm was, Nayeon hadn't gotten the chance to pamper the younger woman in months. "We both know you need it. Besides, you have a day off tomorrow right?" 

Mina nodded in response. "Lavender's fine. I'll get changed then."

Nayeon dropped the bath bomb into the tub, waited until it dissolved entirely before stripping naked. She groaned at the soothing feeling of the warm water lapping at her skin as she sunk into the bathtub. 

Mina came back a while after, carefully placing herself in between Nayeon’s knees. Firm arms wrapped around her girlfriend's midriff, Nayeon placed small kisses near the baby hairs of her nape and down pale, broad shoulders until the woman sagged and turned boneless, tension seeping out of her frame. She lowered a hand to Mina's thigh, tracing the words _my heart_ and _the_ _prettiest girl_ and _love of my life_ against her skin on loop. 

"You take such good care of me." Mina sighed, voice bled with affection. "I don't deserve you."

Nayeon reluctantly stopped her actions. "That's not true. We take care of each other. That's how it works, Mina." 

The conversation lulled into silence. The scent of lavender was relaxing and Nayeon slowly found herself on the verge of sleeping, eyes sealed shut, Mina's entire weight on her a comfort, with her back leaning to Nayeon's front and forehead resting on her cheek. She missed having these quiet moments with her. 

Nayeon jolted awake at the sudden slosh of water when Mina turned around to sit on her thighs, peering down at her intensely. The yellow light above them softened the features of her already delicate frame. She cradled Mina's face in her hands, caressing the sharp jaw, feeling her warm flesh under her touch . "What's wrong?" she cooed. 

Mina closed the distance between them, brushing their noses together before pressing her forehead against Nayeon’s. And then, in a gentle whisper, she insufflated life into Nayeon's mouth, flowers blooming inside her. 

"After I finish my residency, please marry me, Nayeonnie." Mina murmured, glossy-eyed and spilling with reverence. The corners of her mouth tugged into a fond smile when she said with a faraway look, _I was never a gambler but when you said I love you first back then, while you were calming me down and hiding me away from the world at that quiet alley, I knew I would never trust any person, past, present or future, as much as I trust you with my heart._

.

"Whose surname should we use?" 

"Yours." Mina didn't miss a beat, locking her pruned and wrinkled fingers behind her neck. The water was getting cold, raising goosebumps on their skins. "We've always joked that my Korean name is Im Mina anyway."

Nayeon puffed out her cheeks as she deliberated. "Mrs. Myoui Nayeon doesn't sound bad. I think it's a little regretful to call yourself Dr. Im when I hardly did anything to earn it. It should be Dr. Myoui. Don't you think so?"

Mina dropped a chaste, affectionate kiss over the top of her nose. 

.

"Did you bring the ring?" 

Mina pinched at her own nose. "Nayeon, for the hundredth time, yes. I have it in my handbag where it's safe and secure," she said in exasperation, trailing behind her. 

Nayeon looped an arm around her girlfriend's. "I just wanted to make sure. Do you know how terrified I was trying to impress your parents? It's a _miracle_ I didn't offend them with my poor Japanese."

The whole trip to Japan was a monumental victory for Nayeon. Two weeks had passed but Nayeon still felt elated every time she thought about it. She had lost count of the amount of times she had to stutter through awkward conversations and the desperate hope that she didn't say anything offensive. When the Myouis gestured to Nayeon for a talk inside the office room while Mina was slumbering and placed the ring in front of her, Nayeon almost wept. 

"Wouldn't it be easier to just get new rings instead? I don't understand why you'd want to have them remade. It just seems less practical to me." 

She slapped lightly at Mina's arm. "Mina! That's your family heirloom ring. It holds sentimental values. Plus, this is important to me. The ring symbolizes your parents' blessings and trust that I would take care of you." They stopped in front of a jewelry store. Nayeon turned around to her girlfriend and pulled the door, wagging a finger at her. "I take this seriously, Mina."

.

( nayeon spent countless hours of sleepless night penning down her wedding vows, huddling in one corner of their bedroom with the perfect view of Mina's sleeping face in front of her. it took her weeks before she could articulate the perfect words to say, crossing and rewriting the words, frustrations scaling the walls and fingers smudged with ink blots.

~~_i’m sorry that the first time i said i love you was in some muddy, unknown alley. wait no, i’m not sorry because_ ~~

_the first time i said i love you to you was at some muddy, unknown alley. you were clutching at the fabric of my favourite blouse, with wide eyes overspilling with tears. it felt like we were drifting in the ocean, the way you held on to me like i was your lifeline. i hope you know that you are mine as well._ )

.

Being married to Mina was different yet similar at the same time. Their dynamic didn’t change but there was a gradual shift in their daily routines and a bigger sense of responsibility to take care of each other now. 

Nayeon got a lifetime of staring at her wife in the early quiet mornings when Mina didn’t have a morning shift, the nascent rays of the sun casting a crown of reddish brown fire over her mussed up hair while Nayeon counted all twenty-three moles on her wife’s body. 

Her favourite part of the day was when one of them returned home on time, heart inflating with happiness at the soft voice of Mina saying _tadaima_ echoing from the front door and how her tongue had naturally curved around the word _okaerinasai,_ years of practice making it sound as though she was speaking her own native language. 

There was no one to reprimand them to control their affections. She could kiss her wife anytime and anywhere; in their car when Mina insisted on driving Nayeon to her firm office and in front of all Nayeon’s clientele and coworkers in a possessive manner that Nayeon had found amusing. And the _sex_. They did it everywhere, on every surface of their apartment, without interruptions or reservations. 

Nayeon had a _wife_ now, someone she belonged to. Someone she could spend the rest of her life with, to care and be taken care of. It was nice. It was everything Nayeon had wanted and more.

.

Nayeon almost moaned at the first bite of the baked salmon. It was her first meal of the day after having woken up late and she had suffered all morning because she forgot to grab the breakfast Mina had prepared. 

The short girl stared wide-eyed at her. “Nayeon unnie, are you on a diet?” 

Nayeon narrowed her eyes, pulling the plate further away from the junior associate. “Are you saying I’m fat?” she deadpanned.

“Kim Yerim, she’s your sunbae. Address her properly.” admonished Bae Joohyun next to her.

Nayeon waved her coworker off. “It’s fine, sunbaenim.”

“You woke up late didn’t you?” Jihyo asked her knowingly.

“Yeah. And then I forgot Mina’s breakfast.” Nayeon groaned, burying her face into her hands. “My poor breakfast. And I spent all morning on the phone with the judge to re-appeal my case.”

Joohyun grimaced, “Please don’t talk about work while we’re having lunch. I had to mitigate a screaming couple on the verge of divorce this morning. It was terrible.”

The three of them could only sympathize with the eldest woman. “I don’t know why people even bother with getting married.”

“Hey!” exclaimed Nayeon, affronted. “I just got married here, hello.”

“Mina deserves better than getting stuck to you. She’s so perfect and you’re so,” Jihyo paused, gesturing to Nayeon, “plain. Did you save a country in your previous life or something?”

She kicked Jihyo’s foot under the table, gleeful when the younger woman bowled over in pain.

“I heard there’s something called a seven year itch in marriages. Is that true, Joohyun unnie?” inquired Yerim.

Joohyun let the lack of honorifics slide, wiping spots of condiment from her mouth with a napkin in an elegant manner. “It’s a popular belief amongst divorce attorneys, yes but it is actually backed up by research data. The data showed a trend that couples, on average, divorce after seven years of marriage, when they get over the _honeymoon phase_.”

“Do you hear that, Nayeon unnie? After the _honeymoon phase_. You better watch out,” Jihyo teased her.

Nayeon flipped her long brown locks aside as she looked down confidently to her coworkers. “That will _never_ happen to Mina and I.”

.

There was a certain kind of wonder in seeing Mina in her elements. She moved purposely throughout the ward room, with an unassuming but confident aura surrounding her as she inquired about the patients' progress; jotting down management plans while having light conversations about their days or observing the sutures she had done. And while she looked tired, there was always a smile etched on her face. She seemed happy to be there.

Mina was born for the role and Nayeon hoped that nothing would ever take that passion away from her.

"Mrs. Myoui?" 

Nayeon spun around on her toes at the voice, startled. She still hadn’t gotten used to her new last name.

"Would you like me to call Dr. Myoui over here?" the nurse asked her kindly. 

It took a few seconds for her brain to kickstart. "Uh, yeah. Wait, no." she hastily called the nurse back before she could move towards Mina's direction, dangling the bento box in front of her. 

"Would you mind showing me her office instead? I can never remember where it is," she smiled sheepishly. "I'll just put it on the desk and be on my way out. She’s busy and I don’t want to disturb her."

. 

Mina dropped notes at the randomest places and times for Nayeon to find; in her handbag, her purse, on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, in her high heels. There was one time Nayeon had woken up with a ‘MINE!’ post-it plastered on her forehead and a cheeky penguin with its tongue stuck out drawn at the bottom.

Mina wasn’t the best at articulating her feelings. She had always been a very private person who kept her innermost thoughts to herself but Mina never forgot to show her affections in small ways. It delighted Nayeon every time she unfolded the pieces. It made her feel like a little child on a treasure hunt finding clues in the most inconspicuous places.

_I packed you curry katsudon for lunch. Don’t forget to heat it up later._

_Are you my coronary artery? Because you are wrapped around my heart. I overheard an intern saying this and it reminds me of you :)_

_You still make me blush when you kiss me on my lips._

_I never imagine love to be this beautiful._

_I love you._

.

Nayeon took a few tentative steps forward, eyes blindfolded and arms outstretched to feel for any obstacles, with only Mina’s firm grip on her elbow to guide her through. 

“There’s a footpath in front of you,” warned her wife somewhere on her left and her foot automatically raised to step on the thoroughfare.

“When you said you were going to blindfold me for my birthday, I was expecting something a little more scandalous and in the bedroom kind of blindfold,” Nayeon drawled out.

She could feel the amusement radiating in waves from her wife. “Hush, you,” Mina chided her. “It took me a month to prepare for this birthday surprise. Be patient, we’re almost there.”

She kept quiet at the remark. It felt like they had been going at it for hours before Nayeon stopped walking. Mina stopped suddenly, followed by the creak of a door and a pleasant tinkling of a wind chime. “We’re here,” her wife announced. 

The piece of cloth around her eyes dropped. The sudden bright lights invading her sight sent pinpricks of pain to her eyes, causing her to rub at them and blinked back vigorously with a bewildered expression. The shop was clean and entirely white, with rows of black and colored framed drawings hanging on the walls. A large black adjustable leather chair was situated in the centre with a workstation nearby it. 

“You brought me,” she paused as her brain struggled to comprehend the environment in front of her. “Is this a tattoo parlor?”

Mina grinned at her, the briefest flash of silver peeking out behind a gummy smile. “Remember how I forced you to do a general checkup at our hospital two months ago?” When Nayeon nodded, she continued sheepishly. “I lied. A general checkup doesn’t necessarily require an ECG. I have another reason for that.”

Her wife pulled out two elongated red graph papers from her handbag, filled with horizontal lines and jagged waves. Her heart leapt at the way Mina touched the slopes and creases of the line, with the name _Myoui Nayeon_ written in capital letters, like it was the most precious thing in the whole world.

She leaned closer towards her wife. “Do you see these lines? It’s your heartbeat, the rhythm of it.” Mina explained in a soft voice. Without breaking their gaze, she took Nayeon’s larger hand and brushed her lips over each knuckle, the look of utter adoration comparable to a thousand quasars. “I want it on my skin, so I can carry your heart everywhere with me.”

It was such a Mina gesture to suggest matching tattoos like that. A quiet, meaningful declaration of love where people could see but wouldn’t know the heavy indication behind it. They were always very private and similar, in the way they try not to draw attention to their relationship. 

Nayeon didn't get speechless very often. She was an attorney after all, and an attorney incapable of coherent sentences was as good as a dead one, a liability to their clients. But in that moment, Nayeon didn't think any words could articulate the way she felt. There was something indescribably heavy in her chest, on the verge of exploding into stardusts and a warmth that coursed throughout her whole body, gentle summer waves lapping shyly on a beach. 

Mina had taken root in her heart, the veins latched so tightly around it that there wasn't any way to disentangle, growing every day just as her love towards her wife kept expanding unceasingly. 

Nayeon knocked their foreheads together, her whole world cocooned in this quiet impenetrable bubble surrounding them. "Are you sure about this? You told me once back when we were dating that you don't like tattoos."

"Not if it's your heart," Mina replied sweetly. Mina glided a thumb across the paper thin skin of Nayeon's wrist. "A surgeon's most important asset is her hands, so I want mine on my left wrist, where it's nearer to the heart. Where do you want yours?" 

( nayeon got hers on the left ribs. and every time mina worshipped and burned trails down her body, she would infinitesimally pause there, a shy smile curving onto her skin before she continued the path downwards. 

the tattoo was located just beneath the swell of her breast, so it could still stay hidden when she wore low cut dresses. nayeon was an affectionate person by nature, she gave hugs and kisses generously to her friends and family but mina's heart and love was exclusively hers. 

it was a thing she guarded fiercely, away from the world, afraid that they might take it from her. ) 

.

Yuuki Hirai-Minatozaki had grown in the past months. When Nayeon first met him at the waiting room after almost ten hours of Sana being in labor, he had been wrinkly and loud. She marveled at the rolls of baby fat on his tiny feet and arms. He had Momo's eyes and Sana's sharp nose. 

The baby gurgled happily on his rocking chair at the silly faces Nayeon made, truly entertained in the way only a one year old could. She felt a surge of fondness when the baby gripped her pinky with both hands before he inserted it inside his mouth to chew. He was in the teething phase. 

"Nayeon unnie, is Mina coming?" 

Nayeon nodded once, eyes still fixated on the baby. She wiped a trail of drool at the corner of his mouth with his bib. "We took separate cars because she has an early shift."

"She'll be on time right?" Momo asked unsurely as she put utensils onto the dining table. "I don't want her to miss out on her godson's first birthday."

Nayeon looked up to offer the other woman a half-hearted smile. "She'll be here eventually." That was the only sure thing she could say.

Sana came and plopped her whole body onto the couch behind Nayeon in exhaustion. "Unnie," the blonde woman whined, "all you do is stare at Yuuki-kun. You didn't even lift a finger to help us! I'm so tired."

Nayeon swatted away the leg that was prodding her tailbone. "My presence alone should be enough." she replied dryly.

Momo pulled her wife's legs to sit before massaging her calves absentmindedly. "He's just a baby, unnie. There's not many interesting things he can do. Trust me, we've been there."

"Speaking of babies, when will you two get one of your own? Nayeon unnie, you love babies more than anyone else we know."

Nayeon pressed the tip of her tongue against her canine tooth, the dull pain immediately grounding her. She arranged her face into an unreadable look, feigning indifference. Children had been a sensitive topic for Nayeon lately. She had always been curious about Mina's stand regarding children but the doctor had remained evasive and neutral. "We're both too busy for that right now. Maybe in the future."

The sudden quietness brought her out from her reverie and Nayeon saw how the married couple were exchanging glances heavy with unsaid thoughts, before Sana delicately maneuvered the topic into something lighter. 

. 

Her wife was 10 minutes late to the party but came just in time for Yuuki's _isshou mochi_. Jihyo, Nayeon and Mina kneeled at a distance while they watched Momo and Sana struggling to tie two large mochi cakes around his body with a cloth. Jeongyeon was a little further away with a camera on hand as she tried to catch his attention towards her. 

Nayeon placed a hand on Mina's thigh to whisper in her ear. "So, Mina. Pray tell me what on earth are they doing?" 

Mina laughed, breaths fanning the loose strands of Nayeon's hair. " _Isshou mochi_ is a Japanese tradition for when a baby turns one. _Isshou_ is a pun in Kanji that is spelled out as 'one's entire life.' It's a ceremony for parents to wish their child for a prosperous life ahead." her wife gently explained. "Right now, they're strapping the mochi cakes with something called _furoshiki_. It's a cloth people used it to wrap their lunch boxes with it." 

Yuuki only made it two steps towards Sana's outstretched arms before he fell on his bottom due to the heavy load and wailed. All of them cooed as Momo swooped in and rocked him gently. 

Nayeon leaned her shoulder against Mina's, the latter instinctively putting an arm around her waist. 

“I hope we can have this one day,“ Nayeon sighed longingly as she watched her friends pacify their red-faced son, tracing the only kanji words she had known onto Mina’s thigh with her fingernail.

Mina made a noncommittal noise at the back of her throat, one thumb already sliding across the phone screen as she typed instructions to her interns without letting go of her touch on Nayeon.

. 

Her head flew up at the firm knocks on her office door and then a head peeked inside.

Nayeon smiled brilliantly, pushing the swiveling leather chair backwards to greet the man. “Hae In sunbaenim!”

Jung Hae In invited himself inside and waved two tickets in front of her. “I got what you asked for.”

Nayeon clasped her hands in delight. She took the tickets from the man gratefully and glossed over the writings inscripted. _The Swan Lake, 6pm at Seoul Ballet Theatre._

“I owe you one, sunbaenim.”

Hae In waved her off. “It’s fine. Wasn’t that hard to get, really. Though, I didn’t peg you for a ballet girl,” he teased, arms folded as he sent her an amusing gaze.

Nayeon rolled her eyes good-naturally. “I’m not. But my wife likes it a lot so I thought we would go out on a date next weekend.”

He removed himself from his leaning position on the wall. “Well, have fun then. Consider the tickets on me. You’ve worked hard. Don’t stay up too late.”

Nayeon bowed respectfully when the man bid his goodbyes before skipping to her desk to retrieve her phone. She immediately fired a text to her wife.

 _Nayeon [7.44PM]  
_ _r u free next sat?_

 _My Wife ❤ [7.46PM]  
S_ _hould be. Why?_

The rapid reply from Mina surprised her. 

_Nayeon [7.46PM]  
_ _u on a break?  
_ _lets go out on a date next sat_

 _My Wife ❤ [7.46PM]  
_ _**was. My shift is starting soon.  
_ _Sure, let’s go out :]  
_ _See you later, Nayeonnie  
_ _I love you xx_

.

Her wife arrived 40 minutes before the show ended.

The words came out in a rush and tinted with guilt the moment Mina saw her. “I’m _so_ sorry, Nayeon. Cho sunbaenim had a family emergency so I had to take over. Are you alright? Do you still want to go in?”

She turned around to hide her disappointed face and moved briskly to the entrance. “It’s fine. Since you’re here, we might as well get inside and finish the show since it’s already paid for,” she replied in a clipped manner.

Nayeon had no knowledge about ballet so the performance mostly went by in a blur, the music too lush and loud and resonated little for her. She could tell that Mina was too preoccupied to enjoy it as well. The other woman had been unnaturally still except for the fiddling with the strap of her bag to give away her anxiousness, no doubt feeling guilty for ruining their first date in months.

Mina brushed her pinky finger tentatively over Nayeon’s hand to test the waters as they walked out of the theater. Nayeon remained quiet and let her knit their fingers together in a silent apology. 

“I’m really sorry I ruined our date night, Nayeon.” Mina’s chin dipped to her chest as her posture slumped.

Nayeon released a long sigh before she wrapped an arm around her wife’s, placing a kiss to her cheek. She internally berated herself. She needed to be more understanding. Mina was a doctor and she didn’t have the privilege to choose which lives not to save, not like Nayeon did. She will always come second after Mina’s patients. Six years of being with Mina should've made Nayeon used to it. 

Nayeon squeezed her arm. “It’s not ruined,” she told her kindly. “We still have a dinner reservation. Have you had your dinner yet?”

When Mina shook her head in contrition, she exhaled loudly. “Come on, where did you park your car?”

.

They stumbled inside the apartment, gaits clumsy and breaths reeking with the stench of alcohol. Mina grappled for the light switch while Nayeon busied herself by searing open mouthed kisses along her jaw and neck. She squeezed her wife's hip, before slipping a hand under the shirt to caress the heated skin. Nayeon scratched lightly at Mina's taut abdomen with her blunt nails and relished at the loud moan escaping from the younger woman's pretty lips.

Placing an insistent hand behind her neck, Mina pulled her upwards to meet in a hot kiss.

"Bed, now." she gasped and Nayeon was eager to oblige.

Nayeon shed their layers of clothes, leaving behind a messy trail that would have Mina scolding her later when she couldn't find her bra and late for her next hospital shift. Pushing Mina on the bed, she quickly straddled the younger woman, eyes feral and a hard line on Nayeon's face as she grinded slightly to take off the edge. 

Mina's kisses were soft and languid, hands trailing absentmindedly at her sides. Nayeon deepened their kiss, forehead knocking painfully against each other before she turned her destination down south again. 

"Nayeon, wait." Mina rasped.

Teeth scraped the thin skin of Mina's sharp collarbone before Nayeon sucked and soothed the pain with her tongue afterwards. 

"Slow down a bit."

She made quick work of unbuttoning Mina's jeans before yanking the offending fabric harshly off her legs and—

"Nayeon, stop." Mina was firm this time.

There were gentle fingers cupping her jaw upwards and brown blown orbs peering at her. The all-consuming fog of arousal receded a little and Nayeon sat on her own feet, feeling high-strung and confused at the sudden turn of events.

Her brows furrowed, wringing her hands for something to do to ease off the neediness between her legs. "Why? What's wrong? Why are we stopping?" she asked breathlessly.

"You're going at it too fast." Mina explained patiently, the corner of her bruised lips lifting into an amused smile. She took Nayeon's hands in hers, tracing patterns across Nayeon's wrist with her thumb, her own pulse jumping like rabbits. "It's been a while so I want us to take it slow so we could enjoy it."

Were they going too fast? Their couplings had always been hurried before, due to the nature of their jobs. Mina could only spare half an hour at most before her fuel ran out and she would slump exhaustively into her pillows. And Nayeon needed to be in her office early, before 8.30AM so she could make preparations before meeting her clients.

"Lie down." Mina whispered reverently into her ear. "I want to make you feel good too."

Mina pressed her lips to her sweaty forehead, before knitting their fingers together. Nayeon fluttered her eyes closed as Mina peppered sweet kisses over the mole of her brow, her eyelids, her nose, the round cheekbones before pausing at her jaw to look at her.

 _I love you_ , Mina mouthed.

.

( afterwards, her heart descended to her lap as the realization finally dawned in. she can't remember the last time they had slow and passionate sex. being with Mina lately made her feel like they were in a different world. the days were shorter and time moved relatively faster, like the planet was rotating on its axis at twice the pace of earth.

nayeon can't get the clock's ticking out of her head. it felt like her days with mina was on borrowed time. )

.

When Nayeon got back, the balcony doors were opened. 

The apartment was dark except for the hallway lights. Mina’s shoes were in disarray and her coat and handbag were thrown carelessly on top of the couch, lipsticks and wet tissues spilling out. 

Her feet padded towards the billowing curtains and found Mina curled up on a chair, staring vacantly at the city lights while nursing a shot glass in her hands. Her eyes were sunken and cheeks rosy underneath broken veins. There were three and a half empty bottles of sake on the tablet. 

Nayeon leaned on the wall and weighed on how to approach. She never liked this side of Mina. 

She moved swiftly and gently pried the shot glass away from her wife's cold fingers before Mina could take another sip. Nayeon enveloped the smaller hands with hers and brought it to her own mouth, blowing warm air and massaging them.

"Come inside. It's freezing out here," she pleaded.

Nayeon tried not to take it personally when Mina sluggishly pulled her hands away and shook her head. Mina turned her back on her and said in a low, distant voice, "Leave me alone, Nayeon."

"I don't want you to catch a cold and you've always had poor circulation. The apartment is warm. How about you just continue inside, hmm?" 

She reached out across the wooden table and laid a soothing palm on Mina's lower back. She went with a different approach. "Which patient is it this time?" 

The reply was clinical and detached. "13 years old female transplant patient." 

"What happened to her?"

Mina shifted a little but remained quiet. 

Nayeon let out an exhale, hand descending to toy at the belt loop of her wife's wrinkled work pants. "I know I might not understand exactly how you're feeling right now, especially after losing a young patient like that. But you know I'm always here to listen right?"

"You're right. You're not a doctor, so you don't know what it feels like. No one knows how it feels like except my team." Mina shrugged her touch away, knocking the table between them and sending the sake bottles tumbling in the process. Her entire demeanour screamed defensive. "And if this is your way of changing my mind about having kids again, then stop."

The sharp accusation hurt Nayeon more than Mina's physical rejection to her touch did. 

Mina wouldn’t remember this tomorrow but her heart still squeezed itself before the poisonous words radiated throughout her whole body. 

"Do you really think so lowly of me, Mina?" she whispered, tone laced with pain. Nayeon jerked her head away as she felt the familiar sting, wiped her tears away before they could fall off. 

"I'll head to bed first. Don't stay out too long. _Oyasuminasai_."

No reply. 

She closed the door on her way in and headed to their room for a change of outfits. She took a spare blanket from the wardrobe and wrapped it around her shoulders before settling herself on their living room couch. 

She picked at her chipped nail polish and waited. 

. 

Nayeon registered the bed dipping first, rousing her from her restless sleep. The second was the heavy lurching of her stomach and her joints that ached with every move. Her body had broken into sweats this morning and she pulled the duvet higher. There was a constant pulsating feeling behind her eyes.

There was a hand that tucked away the loose strands behind her ears and trailed down to place a steady hand on her back.

"Have you eaten?" Mina's voice broke through the fogginess of her mind.

Nayeon glanced at Mina through the slits of her dulled eyes before shaking her head. 

"Jeongyeon dropped abalone soup from your favourite restaurant at the hospital earlier. Why didn't you tell me you're sick?" Mina reprimanded softly. 

Nayeon moved her mouth from behind the duvet. "Didn't want to worry. You had extra shifts." Her voice was gravelly like sandpaper and there was an itch inside her throat that caused her to reply only in short syllables.

Her wife let out an exasperated sigh. She twisted her body to look at the nightstand. "I don't see any medicine. Have you taken any?"

"Took some aspirins from the kitchen."

"Are you hungry? Do you want to eat now?"

"No."

"What's your temperature? Do you feel any chills?" Mina fussed over her, putting a hand on her forehead. "You know what, let me go get—"

With all the strength Nayeon could muster, she struggled to prop herself on one elbow and clutched at Mina's pants tightly. "Stay. Come lie beside me." When Mina remained unmovable with furrowed eyebrows and worried eyes, she squeezed her thigh. "Please, want my wife, not a nagging doctor." she murmured.

“What do you mean?” Mina asked in confusion. “It’s still me.”

“Miss wife.”

The other woman relented with a nod. "Give me 10 minutes to shower. I'll be right back." Mina stood up and headed to the bathroom. 

Nayeon pinched herself awake while she waited for Mina. It had been a while since they got to sleep together and Nayeon had missed those moments. Her shirt clung uncomfortable to her clammy skin but her lower extremities were hot so she stuck a leg out. 

Ten minutes felt like eternity before Mina finally slipped under the duvet next to Nayeon. She leaned up so Mina could put her arm under Nayeon's head and sunk herself deeper into her wife's side. Mina's warmth was comforting, a furnace during winter and the gentle repetitive motions of her hand sliding from Nayeon's shoulder blades to the dimple of her back slowly made her drowsy.

She was at the cusp of unconsciousness when she heard Mina's regretful tone.

"I'm sorry I've been a neglectful wife."

Nayeon hummed, kissing the arm pillowing her head drowsily.

.

Nayeon woke up the next morning to the sight of a single purple hyacinth and a heart-shaped origami on Mina’s pillows. She unfolded it to read the content. 

_When you roll over to my side at night, it feels good. I’m sorry, I’ll do better._

.

Dinner had turned cold when Mina finally arrived home.

Her wife looked gaunt and exhausted. Her gait was sluggish with heavy bones, almost drunk after a 48 hours shift. Mina stared blearily at where Nayeon sat in their dining room like she was something foreign. It twisted something inside Nayeon.

Mina’s expression shifted to guilt when she saw the elaborate dinner she had prepared. “I’m sorry, Nayeon. I already ate something at the cafeteria.”

Nayeon tried to tamper her voice. “I called you earlier and I texted you beforehand about the dinner. You told me your shift would end at 7PM.”

Mina sat on her lap and circled her arms around Nayeon’s neck in an attempt to soothe her fraying temper. There was that sharp and overwhelmingly potent smell of disinfectant that Nayeon had come to associate her wife with. Her jaws wired shut. She was starting to despise the smell. “It must’ve slipped my mind. I got really hungry so I ate at the cafeteria and took a short nap after. I’m really sorry, Nayeon. I’ll eat it tomorrow, I promise.” 

She burrowed deeper into Nayeon’s side, dropping placating kisses down her collarbones. It felt almost manipulative.

( nayeon hated herself for feeling like this. since when did her love for her wife become something tainted with resentment? ) 

Nayeon relented, the way she always did when it came to Mina. She squeezed her waist before patting her bottom. “Go shower. You reek. I’ll clean this up.”

Mina leaned back and searched her eyes for something. 

“Are we okay? I still feel awful. Let me clean in exchange.”

The lie came out easy, smooth like melted butter over a toast and tongue dripping with honeysuckle. “We’re okay. And it’s fine. You’re tired. Shower and then straight to bed.”

She pushed a thumb at the worn-out edge of her wife’s thankful smile. There was a faded inky blotch near her lower left jaw that she hadn’t noticed before. A new mole. 

Nayeon wondered what else she had missed.

.

"Sana told me you got promoted."

Nayeon hummed in response, quiet as she played with the food half-heartedly.

At the lack of response, Mina prodded for more. "Sana heard from Jeongyeon so she wants to celebrate. She called me and asked for my schedule next week. Why didn't you tell me?" 

"I was going to decline."

"Why?"

She didn't look up as she replied disinterestedly, "The working hours are too long."

"What's wrong with that?" 

The fork in Nayeon's hand halted as her eyes lifted up to meet her wife's. She stared at those brown orbs, searching for signs. When the startling realization came, the fork clattered with a resounding sound. "You're serious about this." 

Mina’s smile melted at the tone. "Why wouldn't I be? You've been working there for years as an associate. It's only natural to progress up to become partners. You've worked hard for it and they're finally acknowledging your contributions." 

She slid her arms, palm up halfway for Nayeon to reach. "I'm proud of you."

"Nayeon," Mina called her name in agitation as Nayeon stood up and pulled her chair back loudly. "We were having a conversation. Where are you going?

She threw her arms up. “I can’t _believe_ you, Mina. You really sat there and talked about my promotions _after_ I told you about the long working hours?”

Nayeon watched Mina’s face change from confusion to hurt. There was poorly concealed heat under Mina’s voice. “So, what? Would you like me to discourage my own wife from taking her promotion? Would you prefer me doing that?”

Nayeon wanted to scream. 

“That’s beside the point! When was the last time we went out on a date? Or see each other for more than 3 hours a day? And now you want me to take this promotion? I'll probably only get to see your back when we sleep. You said you're going to do better for us!"

Mina’s tongue was stuck on pause as she stared back at Nayeon with a caught off guard look. It pained Nayeon to see that Mina hadn’t even realized the growing distance between them.

Nayeon shrugged her coat on and pocketed her wallet along with her access card. 

"I need some air. Don’t wait for me."

. 

Mina found her two hour later, sitting alone on a playground swing with a cheek pressed to the metal chains. 

The first thing Nayeon noticed were the beige colored kitten heels before soft fingers kneaded small pressures on her neck and descended to her shoulders in soft apology. Nayeon nuzzled her face deeper onto Mina's abdomen. 

They stayed there in silence, basking in the quiet night accompanied by the chirping of crickets when Mina finally broke it. 

“I’m sorry, Nayeon.” Mina begins apologetically. “I didn’t realize how much my working hours have been affecting us. You don’t have to take the promotion if you don’t want to.”

Nayeon caught the wrist around her neck before she could move and looked up. "Have you ever thought of having children?" 

Mina pulled herself loose, face pinched in frustration. Nayeon's center of gravity titled and her foot jerked out before she could stumble from the sudden absence of Mina's support, her hand flying to grip the chains. 

Tiredness leaked out from Mina's every movement. "Nayeon, please. Let's not do this right now. I just spent 10 hours in the theater and you have an early day tomorrow. It's late and we both really need the sleep. I don’t want us to go to bed fighting like this."

As they walked home together with their hands interlaced, Nayeon desperately tried to console herself that the spaces between their fingers still fit, that they were both still the same person they were years ago, that nothing had changed. 

Nayeon had always been a better liar. 

.

 _Jeongyeon [3.29PM]  
_ _unnie, here is the restaurant’s place  
_ _[photo sent]  
_ _reservation starts at seven  
_ _the last couple to arrive will have to pay! :P_

Nayeon rolled her eyes at her friend’s childish antics. She tapped the photo for a clearer image and keyed in the address on the car’s navigation system while waiting for her wife. 

Mina slid in the driver's seat a moment later and buckled her seat belt. "Did Jihyo send you the location yet?" 

"Jeongyeon did."

"Alright. Are you forgetting anything before we leave?" Mina peered at her side. 

Nayeon patted her jeans at the words, double checking their access card nestling securely in her front pocket and her clutch on her lap. 

"Nope, I think we're good," she reaffirmed. 

Mina gave a noncommittal reply, shifting the gear and eyeing the rear mirror before reversing. 

The group met up for brunch four times a year. It was a tradition initiated from their university days, back when their group was relatively new and still trying to get to know each other. It happened once every fortnight before the frequency slowly dwindled down due to their differences in work schedules and personal life, before finally compromising to leave one weekend free every three months. It was hard at first to arrange between six very busy women but when it came to Park Jihyo, there was nothing she couldn’t do.

The traffic was unusually heavy for a Saturday and there was a light shower of rain. The drumming of her wife’s fingers on the steering wheel caught her attention. She frowned. 

“Why aren’t you wearing your wedding ring?” she asked bitingly.

Her chest tightened at her wife’s flinch. Mina dropped her gaze to her fingers before exhaling lowly to brace herself. “I was in a rush for another surgery and accidentally threw it in the scrub bin. I tried looking for it the next day but I couldn’t find it.”

“How long?”

“Nayeon, please—”

Her voice was harsh as Nayeon enunciated each word slowly. “How long?”

“It’s been a week.”

Her head dropped to the headrest as she fought off an incredulous laughter. “And it didn’t even occur to you to tell me?”

“I was going to tell you, I swear. But I got scared. I called the jeweler for a replacement the moment I lost it. The exact one with the inscriptions and my great grandmother's diamonds. I’m going to get it next Thursday on my day off.” Mina rushed to explain morosely, her touch on Nayeon’s thigh burning. “I’m really sorry, Nayeonnie. Please forgive me.”

Her lips thinned in a grimace at the remark. She closed her eyes and counted backwards from ten, lest she said things she knew would hurt Mina. These days, conversing with Mina took a toll on her. Nayeon became more short tempered and impatient and she didn’t like how it made Mina recoiled from her. Once her temper receded, she covered her wife’s hand with her own and squeezed three times to which Mina immediately reciprocated.

“I just,” she stopped and gave a heavy sigh, briefly covering her face with her other hand. The cool sensation of her own wedding band against her cheek was a cruel irony to her. “I just wish that you would talk to me about it. I’m so upset with you right now, Mina. They’re our wedding rings. We said our vows and bound each other with those rings. You know how hard I worked to get your parents’ blessings for it. I wouldn’t be this mad if you would’ve just told me from the first day you lost it.”

Her wife's shoulder shrunk at the words. “I know. It wasn’t my intention to hide it from you. I’m really sorry, Nayeon.”

Their friends greeted them with bright, enthusiastic smiles when they arrived at the table. Sana had perked up and immediately patted the seat beside her for Mina to sit. 

Nayeon also felt the less than subtle glances exchanged between the two couples but she didn’t have the mood to deal with them right now. She was quiet and passive throughout the dinner. 

"Nayeon unnie, what would you like for desserts? My treat!" Sana clasped her hands, a sunny smile on her face as she hoped to cheer her up. 

"Nayeon loves white chocolate macadamia cake. She'll have that one," Mina said fondly before she could reply. 

Nayeon bit her tongue and refrained herself from retorting. 

She stopped liking cakes ages ago. 

.

“You’re _what_?”

“I said I’m not going,” Nayeon intoned the words slowly.

Mina stood there in their living room, half-flabbergasted and half-livid, the flight tickets and itineraries in her hands crushed under the weight of her emotions. “It’s _Hawaii_ . What do you mean you’re not going? You’ve _always_ wanted to go there again. It was where we had our honeymoon, Nayeon.”

“My memories are well intact, Mina. I remember,” she replied dryly, her attention focused on the laptop on her lap. She needed this report done by tomorrow and she was only a quarter through.

“It took me months to arrange my surgeries and booked the tickets!”

Her hands resting on the laptop stopped moving, nails digging into the flesh of her palms as she tried her best to tug the waves of her heart from turning violent. “You didn’t even consult me about this in the first place,” Nayeon pointed out. “I have a very important trial coming up and I need to prepare.” 

The other woman moved to sit next to her. “It’s our seventh year anniversary. I was planning to surprise you.”

Mina’s hand brushed up to her knee. “How about we postpone it after your trial, then? I think I can still ask Dr. Kang to reschedule everything.” When Nayeon remained silent, she squeezed the flesh of her knee. “Nayeon, please. Work with me here.”

The words are at the tip of her tongue, a grenade with its safety pin dangerously close to being pulled. _Why should I, when you never bothered before?_ All those nights of waiting and the anticipation and sheer inevitable disappointment. 

But her wife’s pleading tone and those haunting eyes made her falter, heavy with guilt. There were dark circles under those eyes, poorly disguised by concealer and an indentation from where Mina had bitten the inside of her left cheek, a telltale sign that she was about to cry. The sight of her wife then was an echo of their past and Nayeon wondered how Mina went from looking at her with childlike wonder and a warm undercurrent of love, to this. 

Nayeon pushed her laptop to the ground before long fingers curved around Mina’s jaw and slanted her head downwards to pepper apologies to her forehead, her eyelids, the sharpness of her cheekbones and her tense jaw. They shuffled around until Nayeon’s back was leaning towards the couch’s armrest and they spent moments there trading kisses and whispered comforts.

 _She is trying_ , Nayeon reminded herself. _And I need to learn to be kinder to her._

When the owner of her heart seared a final kiss over her possession, right over her sternum, Nayeon became boneless. “Will you wait for me? Until I manage to convince Dr. Kang about rescheduling?” 

Gentle fingers carded through the soft locks of Mina’s black hair. It was getting too long. They need to cut it soon before the split ends worsened. 

“Where would I go?” Nayeon replied quaveringly, heavy with an indecipherable feeling she couldn’t pinpoint.

It sounded a little bit like regret.

.

Nayeon took a day off on a nondescript Tuesday afternoon and decided to visit her mother on a spur of the moment, all bundled up in faded sweaters and Mina’s woolen scarf to fight off the winter bite.

Her stomach twisted with guilt at the surprise on her mother's face when she opened the door but the old woman was quick to usher her in before she could wallow at the thought. 

“Where’s dad?” Nayeon asked, shrugging off her coat and placing it at the hanger.

She followed her mother’s voice to the kitchen. “Hardware store. The pipe has been leaking so your father is out to buy some materials. He’ll take a while. Have you eaten?”

“No. I thought I could have lunch here instead and see what you’re having.” She peered at the pot. Her mouth watered at the milky white broth simmering in the pot.

The old woman sent her a pointed look and said, “You just wanted an excuse to have my _seolleongtang_ , don’t you? You brat.” that had Nayeon grinning wickedly from the dining table. 

Her mother placed a bowl of hot _seolleongtang_ sprinkled with chopped green onions in front of her, followed by three smaller ones filled with _kimchi,_ _kkakdugi_ and her mother's secret sauce. Nayeon smiled gratefully at her, muttering a low _itadakimasu_ before taking a sip of the invigorating broth, careful not to burn her tongue. The broth was thick, the brisket tender and melted within a few bites.

She felt her mother's eyes on her the whole time she ate, arms folded and leaning against the kitchen counter. When her spoon scraped the bottom of the bowl, she took it as her cue. 

“What’s wrong, Nayeonnie? You look sad.” 

Her mother’s voice was gentle, an embodiment of every good and easy childhood memory. It reminded her of faded blue aprons, mismatched socks, twisted ears for every low grade and warm embraces on cold nights.

Nayeon suddenly felt overwhelmed, a garotte tightening around her throat. Things with Mina had been putting a strain on her emotionally and physically. She wished nothing more than to be five years old again.

“I don’t know where we went wrong, mom.” She laughed wetly, head buried in her hands. “One moment she’s the love of my life and the next thing, we’re strangers sharing an apartment and a last name.”

Nayeon could lay a map on a table and draw a straight line from where she began and where Mina ended. The gap between them was only the length of her finger from Nayeon’s vantage point. And then, as the years went by, with every hurtful unsaid words and deafening silence and missed opportunities, the tectonic plates shifted, the distance grew and they became thousands of miles apart. The fights got worse, crustal rocks grinded violently against each other; with earthquakes erupted and devastating tsunamis washed away all the foundations of the love they had built. 

“I’m scared this might be the end and I don't know if I'll ever be ready.”

.

Wiggling her toes, she relished at the water licking before it retreated. Her whole body was dusted in fine grains and Mina’s grip on her hand was warm and reassuring.

They walked in comfortable silence along the two-mile of white-sand beach, barefooted with Mina’s other hand holding their pair of sandals. The beach was crescent shaped with turquoise waters and gentle waves backed by lush emerald mountains that Nayeon could see from far away.

Nayeon nudged at her wife before she bent down, murmuring a soft _hello_ at the cast of crabs scurrying sideways to avoid them. Mina got the hint and took a few steps to shield Nayeon from the sun, casting elongated shadow in the outline of Mina’s frame. _One, two, three, four._

“Nayeon.” 

_Five, six, seven, eight, nine_ —

“Do you think it’s time we start thinking about children?” came Mina’s voice, lilting as the salty wind carried her words inside her lungs and lodged itself in Nayeon's heart.

Her mind went blank. After the first few times Nayeon had brought the topic up that resulted in cold shoulders and passive aggressive conversations, she had given up hope. Had buried the thought into the recesses of her mind, forgotten.

Nayeon shook her head, pressing her nose on the scratchy fabric of her summer dress. Her hair fell loose about her face into artistic swirls and she took the opportunity to hide herself. 

“Why not? You love kids.”

_Because you said you don’t want to have them with me. Because you’re not going to be there to raise them with me._

The shadow distorted. Mina crouched down next to her, tucking the loose strands behind Nayeon's ears. 

"Look at me, please."

She obeyed. 

It had been a while since she last saw this expression on her wife's face; gentle and fond. "The Chief said the department will have a new resident coming next week. He'll be taking almost half of my workload, so the hours wouldn't be as bad anymore."

The mottled grey of clouds that had been shrouding Nayeon's skies gave away to wisps of white. She nibbled at her lower lip as hope unfurled. 

"Do you prefer we adopt or do you want to carry?" her wife coaxed, a slight waver in her voice. "I hope they have your cheeks and your front teeth."

Mina tried again, eyes internally begging for Nayeon to say something. "I could carry them if you're too scared." Mina offered with a tease.

Her hand had shot out to grasp Mina's forearm before she could register the gesture. "No. I—" she stammered, "I want to try carrying them."

The relief on Mina's face was palpable. Her wife's thumb swept across her knuckles in a repetitive manner as their surroundings became muted. 

Mina leaned in to kiss at the corner of her mouth and murmured a grateful _thank you for trying, nayeon_ and a promise to clear their schedule so they could visit Hawaii at least once every two years.

This was the closest to a reconciliation that they would get.

The sun finally peeked out behind the wispy clouds and Nayeon began to hope. 

.

Her hand in Jihyo’s smaller grip was the only thing anchoring her to this world and preventing her from getting a full blown panic attack. 

“What’s— what’s happening, Jihyo? Do you think everything is okay?” she wept, touching the slight swell of her abdomen. She felt like a scared child in her mother’s presence. 

“I’m so scared, Jihyo. Is Mina here yet? I want Mina. Please, Jihyo? Can you call Mina for me?” she pleaded, tugging her best friend’s shirt. Her insides gave a nauseating lurch at how the fabric of Jihyo’s sleeve bloomed red. Even Jihyo and her entwined hands were stained with it.

Jihyo cradled her body closer to her own as her voice shook unsteadily despite the brave front she was desperately putting on. “Hush, unnie. There’s no time. We need to get you to the hospital right now. Jeongyeon’s car will meet us by the lobby.”

Everything else was a blur after that.

The doctor from the emergency room turned off the sonography. He pushed the device further away, dropped his head in a slight bow and with a voice that reeked of faux sympathy, said _i’m sorry for your loss, mrs. myoui_. He started explaining the viable procedure options in jargon words that were too overwhelming for Nayeon to comprehend so Jeongyeon waved the man away as they waited for their last missing piece to arrive. 

The nurse pulled the curtain close so they could grieve in private. The news didn’t break through to her yet. Nayeon felt numb and empty, head underwater but also light, as if she was floating and observing herself through muted glass instead of a direct participant. The only thing she could feel was Jeongyeon and Jihyo’s tight embrace as they huddled close together, keeping Nayeon from bursting asunder. 

But when she heard the familiar voice laced with desperation, followed by hurried footsteps as the curtains were drawn and Mina’s wild eyes and frantic face greeted them, Nayeon wailed and fell apart.

. 

Nayeon realized the gravity of her words the moment she saw her wife’s face crumpled into something unbearably painful. She wished she could take them back. Nayeon had always been the more reckless of the two and right now, her wife was paying for it.

“I didn’t mean what I said,” she explained in a rush of expelled air, reading the way Mina slipped into her clinical mode and withdrawing herself emotionally to protect herself. Nayeon’s heart descended down her feet, like a helpless animal when her wife jerked away at her touch.

“No, you’re quite right, Nayeon. Your response is understandable.” Mina plastered on a hollowed smile, eyes watery. She stood up from her kneeling position in front of Nayeon and moved towards the couch, folding the blankets and dumped Nayeon’s bloodied maternity dress and undergarment into a zipper bag. Her wounded heart gave a keening sound at the sight, with Mina’s back facing her and shoulders shook with repressed sorrow. 

“Your fresh pair of clothes are there. Don’t forget to put the pads on. You’ll be having intermittent bleeding for a few weeks after the procedure.” came Mina’s clipped but raspy voice.

 _How could_ you _know what it feels like, Mina?_

 _You stupid, defected bitch_ , Nayeon internally raged, self-loathing bubbling to the surface. _You hurt your wife. Can’t you do even one thing right?_

.

Mina took a one week leave to take care of her and everything else. Nayeon knew that her wife was compartmentalizing everything and hadn’t had the chance to deal with the news yet but Nayeon was mentally and physically too drained to help. The walls of the spare bedroom got repainted and everything else was shoved into their storage room.

Mina finally broke down on the third day, when Momo and Sana had come to visit. Nayeon stood behind their bedroom door and listened to the gut wrenching sound of her wife’s sobbing echoed throughout the whole apartment over Momo’s soft voice trying to calm the former. 

“I keep messing things up,” came Mina’s wretched voice. “I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m trying. I’m trying really, really hard but Nayeon— she won’t— Momo, she _flinches_ if I even get a meter within her proximity.”

Afterwards, when Nayeon had come out of the room with feigned sleepiness as she weakly greeted the other couple, there were no signs of her wife’s earlier outburst except for a red nose.

It made her feel like a terrible human being but Nayeon was grateful for that. She didn’t think she had it in her to comfort Mina in a way that wasn't laced with an undertone of something ugly. 

.

Jihyo somehow managed to meddle her way to the top management and insisted for them to give Nayeon an extended leave, filing it under the excuse of ‘recuperating’. Staying at the house drove her mad, though. The desolate solitude made her skin itch and she didn’t know what to do with the time she was given. 

Mina wasn’t there to help Nayeon sort the broken fragments of her consciousness. She was only given a week off before she had to report for duty.

Nayeon spent one Friday afternoon at an art museum near their apartment. The museum was sparse with crowds despite the extravagant exhibition they were holding. Nayeon floated aimlessly inside the museum with long hallways and high ceilings supported by slabs of columns, half tuned in to the monotonous droning of the museum docent. There were only two old couples and Nayeon in the guided tour group.

“The kingdom of Hades features meadows, asphodel flowers, fruit trees, and other geographical features. Among the most famous features are the five rivers of the Underworld; Styx, Lethe, Archeron, Phlegethon, and Cocytus.”

Nayeon took a closer look at the art piece encased in protective glass hanging from the wall.

“—relief to simply press a button and erase the abhorrent memories in your mind?” Nayeon dismissed the rhetoric question and shifted to squint at the placard next to the painting. It read:

> An 18th-century painting depicting the underworld of Greek mythology, showing (foreground) Charon, the ferryman, in his boat; (bottom left) Cerberus, the three-headed dog guarding the entrance; and (centre left) Hades, ruler of the underworld, and his wife, Persephone. The body of water is the River Styx.

The man continued, “Drinking water from the river Lethe was believed to induce a complete loss of memory. Lethe was also sometimes called the _Ameles potamos_ or _river of unmindfulness_ and—”

A sudden wailing of another visitor's baby near the entrance broke Nayeon out of her trance. It felt like her ears were bleeding.

.

Their apartment used to be a sanctuary. It was a place of warm, reassuring touches that reminded Nayeon of crackling embers in the hearth, backed with gentle, low tide conversations and soft kisses brimming with sunshine.

It was the apartment where they spent their early twenties saving up for and later, in their final twenties, building a home and a family out of it. 

Nayeon had called the hospital earlier so she knew Mina was home. She had purposely stayed at her office late, until she was sure that Mina would be too tired to stay awake. Their last argument at the therapist's office was still a wound that hadn't fully healed, a half formed scab. Conversing with her wife these days left her nauseated and enervated, a soldier navigating through a minefield of emotional turmoil and deep seated discontent. 

Nayeon slipped into their bed, careful not to jostle her sleeping wife. The lump of Mina's form squeezed her heart. She scooted closer, a hand on the valleys of her spine to anchor her back. They were galaxies apart from each other and Nayeon was running out of ideas how to meet Mina halfway. 

.

 _My Wife ❤ [5.58PM]  
_ _Where are you?_

 _Nayeon [6.14PM]  
_ _home._

 _My Wife ❤ [6.14PM]  
_ _Oh, alright.  
_ _I’m at the supermarket. Do you need anything?_

 _My Wife ❤ [6.27PM]  
_ _Nayeon?  
_

_* 1 missed call from My Wife ❤ *_

_Nayeon [6.35PM]  
_ _no._

.

The white walls of the therapist’s office aggravated Nayeon, like chalk on a board. She knotted her fingers together, pressing her thumbs on her index knuckles, willing her whole existence to be reduced to the tiny hole between them.

She didn’t know why they were here. Mina wasn’t a woman of many words and Nayeon had mastered the art of erecting barbed irons around her heart to fend strangers away.

“How do you perceive your relationship to be, following the unfortunate event?”

It wasn’t enough to drown out the therapist’s question.

Nayeon saw Mina hesitate from the corners of her eyes, shifting slightly on the stiff leather couch before her wife answered. “Silent, mostly. It’s always been like that for the past couple of years but even more so now after what happened.”

The scratch of the therapist’s pen stopped as she latched at the bait Mina had unknowingly revealed. “Are you suggesting that there might have been some problems even before the abortion?”

The blooming red of Jihyo’s sleeve. Her low abdomen flaring with sharp pain.

The flash of memories made her nauseated and she immediately bolted away from the suffocating room.

Mina scrambled to follow her, hands fluttering around Nayeon in panic but not close enough to touch, as if she was afraid her wife's worn edges would cut. "Nayeon! Nayeon, what's wrong?" 

"She called it an abortion! It wasn't—" her voice fluctuated between hysterical to anguish, "wasn't an abortion." Nayeon squeezed her hands in bleached fists, trying to fight off the trembles. Lately, her hormones had been going rampant. It felt like she wasn't in control of her own body, a puppeteer yanking at the strings of her bones, an illusion to make her seem alive. 

"No, no, of course you’re right, Nayeon,” Mina placated. “In the medical language, the two can be used interchangeably but she should’ve used a more empathic layman term as a therapist. She should’ve known better.”

“What kind of a fucking therapist is she?” she spat, high strung with nerves.

“A bad one,” she agreed. Mina waited until she stopped pacing before she trod gradually in her direction, allowing Nayeon ample chance for her to process and react. 

The sight made her heart ache. Since when did she become so volatile that her own wife had to tread around her like that?

Mina’s touch soothed the last remaining nerves and Nayeon buried her face further into the crook of her shoulder. She let the familiar scent of jasmine and honeysuckle washed over her.

“I don’t want to see a therapist,” she declared with a muffled voice.

The other woman tensed, hesitant. “Nayeon, I don’t know. I think seeing someone might be good for us. I promise you I’ll find a better one next time.”

She dug her nails onto the lapels of Mina’s coat, looking up. “ _Please_ , Mina. I don’t want anyone in my head,” she implored desperately. 

“I—,” Mina bit her lower lip, before she relented with a sigh. “Alright, but you have to promise that you’ll _talk_ to me. We both went through something horrible and the only way we could get through this is if we talk.”

Nayeon couldn’t bear the earnest look on Mina’s face and ducked back down to her previous position. “Of course,” she replied easily.

Another lie. Nayeon had forgotten how to stop.

.

Nayeon carefully shouldered the piles of documents, heaving as she did so. Locking the car, she moved towards the parking elevator. From her peripheral vision, she saw a white convertible car parked a few spaces away and her pace slowed down.

Mina was home. She wasn’t expecting that.

Nayeon pressed the button to the eleventh floor and waited for the hydraulics to push the metal slabs shut. The elevator jerked slightly before it began its ascending journey towards her floor.

Why was she home?

The elevator lurched to a stop and the metal slabs creaked open. Nayeon could see the door of their apartment from here but she hung back, her stomach roiling with dread. She gripped the handrail. Her legs won’t move.

Why now?

She skimmed the surface of the smooth buttons, deliberated for a few agonizing seconds before she pressed the lobby floor instead.

**//**

Dr. Kim’s gentle touch pulls her out of her reverie. “Ms. Im? We still have a few items left from the last box. Are you still alright to continue?”

 _No,_ she wants to say. Nayeon knows what’s in the last box and she doesn’t think she’ll ever be ready to face it. The memories hurt, like shrapnels from a bomb, too deep to be extracted so it still stays there after a surgery, digging deeper and deeper into her flesh with every instance she is reminded of their last argument, until it’s millimeters away from lodging itself into her heart.

She squeezes tight on the leather armrest of the examination chair and nods once, sharply.

“Yes, please. I would like to get this over with.”

**//**

She unbuckled the seatbelt with trembling hands, viciously slamming the door on her way out. She heard Mina’s flurried footsteps following her from behind which propelled Nayeon to walk faster. 

“What is your problem, Nayeon?” Mina whispered angrily.

Nayeon shook her head. “No, Mina. I don’t want to talk about it,” she hissed through gritted teeth.

Nayeon had been angry before. It was a well-known fact amongst their friends that Nayeon had a short temper. But this was a different kind of anger. It was an anger that had been festering for the past years underneath her skin like cancer. Her head was a muddled mess and cottony cloud, tinged with red, vicious and all-consuming. 

Her heartbeats were pounding loudly in her ears and she could feel the blood rushing throughout her body like an inferno, her skin barely able to hold it inside. A parasite with its dark tendrils slowly wrapping itself around Nayeon and urging her to hurt and lay destruction in its path. 

“ _When_ are we going to talk about it, Nayeon? You can’t just storm out of _my boss’s_ party and expect me to brush it off.”

 _Mina is my wife_ , Nayeon chanted to herself. _Mina is my wife and I love her. We’ve been married for eight years. My wife. My partner._ And no matter how much Nayeon absolutely despised her at the moment, she knew deep down, they shouldn’t have this discussion while they were both being irrational and spurred by volatile emotions.

“Please, Mina. I don’t want to talk while we’re both angry,” she shuddered. Her fingers slipped a few times while keying the passcode before Mina swatted her hands away to do it herself. They had been yelling in the middle of the hallway and they couldn’t risk their neighbors listening in on any more of their fight.

Nayeon kicked off her heels haphazardly before throwing her clutch onto the marble kitchen table. Water. She needed some cold water to calm down.

“This is childish, Nayeon. Every time we argue, instead of sitting down and having a conversation like adults, you shut down on me. We’re not in university anymore,” Mina snapped.

Nayeon glimpsed Mina’s expression reflected on the black door of their refrigerator. It was cold and distorted. Nayeon never thought her sweet, gentle Mina could look so cruel.

_Mina is my wife. I love her. My partner._

Mina’s voice rose in volume with every word, glass shards pressing down on her body. “You throw tantrums over the smallest thing but you never tell me how I can _fix it_. You told me to do better but I can’t fix it if I don’t know what it is because you _never_ tell me!”

_I love the moles dotted on her skin like a constellation. Her curry katsu don is my favourite. She pays attention to all the names of my coworkers. She buys me purple hyacinths when she’s sorry. She holds the umbrella for me every time it rains._

"Ever since what happened, you've been—" 

"Don't," Nayeon interjected calmly. "Don't you dare bring it up."

Mina walked closer, until they were standing at the opposite end of the kitchen island. Nayeon curled her fingers on the edges of the island, internally begging Mina to drop it. 

"I think it’s time we talk about what happened to our baby, Nayeon. You _promised_ that in exchange for forgoing a therapist that we would talk about it."

_Mina is my wife. My partner. The mother of our dead baby._

The thin thread holding Nayeon together snapped.

“You were never there!” Nayeon screamed. “Every time I wanted to spend time with you, you got whisked away by five to eight hours of surgeries. It feels like I have to beg for even a _scrap_ of your attention! Like I have to share you with the world.”

Mina leaned away, as if startled by her outburst before her forehead furrowed in anger. “You _knew_ what you put yourself into when we got married. I told you countless times when we were dating that I was going to sub-specialize into surgery and a surgeon’s working hours is always this sporadic.”

Nayeon lifted her chin to look at Mina dead in the eyes. “I married my girlfriend but what I got in the end is a ghost of a wife.”

Mina bristled at the accusation. Nayeon can tell that her wife had hit her limits as well. “What the hell does that have to do with our baby?”

“I called you, Mina,” Nayeon confessed, voice raw with indescribable grief. “When I was bleeding in the bathroom, I called _you_ but you weren’t there. I had to get Jihyo to help me because I was too scared to drive." And here, Nayeon couldn't stop herself from clutching the fabric over her chest. The pain felt like she was about to die. 

_I did die_ , Nayeon thought afterwards. _My heart died along with our baby._

"I called you again when we were driving to the hospital, wishing you could've been there to hold my hand. And when the doctor told me I lost our baby, you _still_ weren’t there because you were busy saving a patient like you always do. _Our baby, Mina_." she spat.

The atmosphere stilled, except for the constant humming of the air purifier. Mina's jaw slackened as she stared at Nayeon with a face crumpled in pure agony and watery eyes. 

But the damage had been done. Nayeon had ripped the bandage open and now her wife could, in all its glory, see all the ugly pus and festering wounds Nayeon had tried so hard to hide for the sake of their marriage. She had hurt Mina, the love of her life. 

"Every time I look at you, all I could think about was _would things have turned differently, had Mina been there? Would we have lost our baby if my wife, who is a doctor, was there?_ " 

"That's not fair," Mina whispered through wet cheeks. "You can't put the blame on me, Nayeon. It was a uterine anomaly. You had multiple uterine leiomyomas and—" 

"Stop it! I hate it when you do that!" Nayeon covered her eyes with one hand and tried to stifle her sobs. Her shoulders shook with the weight of her grief as she stabilized herself. 

Soft fingers cradled her head before engulfing her in a tight embrace. “I’m sorry, Nayeon.” Mina shushed her. “Nayeonnie, please. I didn’t mean to go all clinical. I’m so sorry. Please don’t cry.”

They sank to the ground together in a mess of limbs, Mina rocking their bodies back and forth and her own ear pressed to her wife’s frantic heartbeats as her fingers combed through Nayeon’s soft hair.

_Mina is my wife. I love her with all my heart. But I don’t know how much longer I can take this._

.

This felt like the first time they kissed. 

Mina had her arms wrapped around her waist in the only way that she knew could calm her down. 

But the reality between them had always been distorted. 

Mina's eyes were swollen, cheeks streaked with dried tears and nose reddened, teeth gnawing at her bottom lip as if she would start crying again. There was still the stinging scent of disinfectant that Nayeon can't dissociate from her wife and the embrace was cold and empty, limbs slumped with no energy left in her. She wasn't looking at Nayeon the way she remembered. 

Mina looked, like every word in the world, defeated. An animal that had been beaten down and dragged through the asphalt at the acceleration of Nayeon's rampant temper and the insurmountable mass of her accusations. 

When Mina leaned in to ghost a tentative kiss onto Nayeon's lips, the planets didn't bend— they collapsed under the heavy weight of their griefs. There was a space between them where a life used to be and her heart splintered even more if it were possible.

Nayeon dug her blunt nails into the flesh of her wife's shoulders. This wasn't one of those days of tenderness. Nayeon can't even remembered the last time they were intimate. 

"Don't be gentle with me," she gasped as the veil of arousal blanketed her mind. “Hurt me back.”

Mina's incisors broke the thin skin above her collarbone. 

.

She borrowed Mina’s car the next morning, the business card heavy in her jeans pocket and her phone cradled between her ear and shoulder. 

Her wife had always been the neat one between the two of them. Unlike her own car, there were no breadcrumbs from where Nayeon was late for work and could only afford to eat in between traffic jams, and no sudoku puzzles torn from newspapers littering her back seat.

Nayeon picked the lone strand of hair from the steering wheel. Mina’s hair was a lighter shade of black, shorter than hers was. She wound the strand around and above the joint of her ring finger tightly, until the blood flow cut the appendage, turning it red and pulsating. She felt every pulse of her heart over the wounded strand, had memorized the way her own synchronized to Mina’s heartbeats. 

She pushed the nail of her thumb to the centre, hard and unrelenting.

“Hello, is this Dr. Kim? I would like to schedule an appointment.”

The strand snapped.

Nayeon let go.

**//**

The first thing Mina sees when she enters her office after an eight hour gruelling surgery is a letter. It has a cream color coat and it sits there innocuously, as if waiting for Mina to open it. She collapses her body onto her chair and stretches out her sore limbs before grabbing the letter tiredly.

Mina wishes she had never opened the letter.

> _Dear Ms. Myoui,_
> 
> _Im Nayeon has had Myoui Mina erased from her memory. Please never mention this relationship to her again._
> 
> _Thank you._

**Author's Note:**

> and that's a wrap! were you surprised? i think i left a lot of hints. while i'm just a pharmacist, i tried my best to make the fic as medically accurate as i can (read up journals, articles, etc) without making it too graphic. any inaccuracies are purely my mistake.
> 
> this fic is inspired by nayeon's favourite movie and song (dancing with your ghost by sasha sloan and eternal sunshine of the spotless mind) and also day6's [tick tock](https://twitter.com/sungjaehyun212/status/1259868924750860288).
> 
> fun fact: i started writing this fic since march 2020. imagine my surprise when nayeon ended up playing the song as well!
> 
> i would appreciate any comments/kudos since English isn't my first language. tell me your fav scenes/lines/etc. thank you for reading and have a nice day ahead!
> 
> my twitter: @dblckparade if you wanna rant/etc or [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/dblckparade)  
> [my fic recommendations](https://twitter.com/dblckparade/status/1213298256966373376)


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